Many couples marry with a clear and strong red line when it comes to infidelity. They say, “If my partner ever has an affair, I’m done and I get a divorce.” And then it happens to you unexpectedly and leaves you to deal with the devastating betrayal and the inevitable roller coaster of emotions. When faced with the painful reality, you must also make a decision “Should I stay or should I go?” You realize that whatever decision you make, the stakes are high and the red line you saw in your mind is now more gray than red. The following is information to know when dealing with infidelity in your marriage.
1) Infidelity does not necessarily end a marriage.
Adventures are ego-boosting and can be very powerful and compelling. However, despite its negative consequences, infidelity is not necessarily the end of a marriage. Surprising to many, most married couples decide to stay married after infidelity. Although recovering from infidelity is challenging, many marriages not only survive, but actually grow stronger from the devastating experience. They can get back on track and rebuild trust, friendship, and excitement. 2) Many cheaters still love their partners.
Men can love their wives and still want to have sex with other women. Many times the cheaters have not fallen out of love; but rather they have become dissatisfied with the state of their marriages. Infidelity usually takes place when things calm down, normality and boredom enter, interest and excitement disappear. It also happens in times of crisis or transition, such as having a new baby, pressure at work, lack of intimacy, unmet needs, not having sex, etc. As such, the affairs may reflect that the couples do not know how to care for each other or how to work together to meet their challenges, but not necessarily that they do not love each other.
2) An emotional roller coaster is the new norm.
The path to any recovery, even after an adventure, is not a straight linear line. It is usually a spiral line that encompasses many ups and downs. The roller coaster of emotions is a natural course of the healing process and is very painful and confusing. Just when couples think things have gotten better and are settled, there’s another major setback to experience. These couples may think that they will never be able to get over betrayal and infidelity. Every mishap is something different. However, like the stock market, the idea is to think long term. As long as there is a general upward trend, progress is being made. Embracing patience is essential, especially during times of relapse. So don’t give up and have hope.
3) Infidelity can be traumatic.
The betrayal is shocking and devastating to the recipient to an extreme degree in a way that overwhelms their physical and mental state. The betrayed spouse suffers from heartbreak and anxiety, eating and sleeping problems, and a negative impact on their self-esteem and confidence. It is not surprising that the betrayed spouse exhibits symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD).
4) Forgive and you will free yourself.
Similar to a traumatic experience, people don’t forget infidelity. It is a survival necessity to remember and avoid the pain associated with adventure. While remembering the betrayal is critical to protecting ourselves and learning from its experience, forgiveness is critical to moving on with life. Forgiveness is not designed to set the cheater free, or take responsibility away from them, but it is designed to set people free from their past and their misery. When betrayed spouses forgive, it allows love to flow into their lives. They let go of the past and make room for the present, which brings hope and optimism. 6) Healing is not easy and takes time.
Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. The more we resist pain, the more we suffer. This is why we have to have the courage to experience the pain and loss that betrayal brings. Although we prefer to be pain-free as quickly as possible, healing from infidelity is a chaotic process and takes time. Quick recovery may indicate repression or compartmentalization, which may backfire in some way. It’s not uncommon for it to take two years or more to recover from an affair and get back on the marriage track.
5) Couples therapy is very useful.
The betrayal is so overwhelming and disorienting that it’s hard to know what to do next. Professional help is very beneficial and can help us through the challenging process of infidelity towards healing. Infidelity counseling is a helpful way to get information, support, and empower yourself to overcome infidelity. It helps people gain a better understanding and broader perspective on the subject matter and gain objective, professional guidance to make more informed decisions.
Regardless of the decision you make, overcoming infidelity is not easy, but it can be done. The questions to ask are: What can you learn from it? How is it done? At what cost? If you decide to stay in your marriage after the infidelity, the important thing is to address the