The time frame for letting go of an affair is a concern I hear from people on both sides of the issue. For example, sometimes I hear from the spouse that he was cheated on. Sometimes they can’t help but notice that the cheating spouse doesn’t seem to have fully “let go” of the other person. Sure, they may be saying the affair is over and they want to save their marriage, but it may be pretty obvious they’re still down. The faithful spouse may assume this means that the cheating spouse misses the person with whom they had the affair or is sad that he broke up.
I often hear comments like, “My husband says the affair is over and he’s committed to me, our kids, and our marriage. Yet he doesn’t seem really interested in any of these things. He’s depressed. No “He’s not really involved in family life. He doesn’t seem particularly enthusiastic about me or our marriage. When I mention this to him, he says that he just needs some time. When I tell him that it seems to me that he is Don’t let the matter go, he will repeat that he needs some time. But it’s been about 4 months now. How much time does he really need? I’m starting to think he’ll never really get over it and our marriage is over. How much time should I give him before I give up?
Here is another example, but it comes from the cheating spouse. I recently heard from a husband who said that she had had an affair about a year and a half ago. He had worked very hard to make things right with his wife. He had finished the affair and they had been faithfully attending counseling. He had done everything in her power to show her wife that he loved her and that he would not cheat on her again. However, the wife did not seem able to let it go. She said, in part: “We are going to be two years old and my wife still seems unable to let go of my infidelity. I have done everything in my power to make amends. I give her everything she asks of me.” But no matter what, she finds a way to bring up my affair, throw it in my face, and stay mad. I’m starting to think that she’s never going to get over this, and frankly, I can’t live this way for the rest of my life. How much time should you give someone in this situation before deciding that the marriage was too damaged by the affair?
I think a lot of people who ask me questions like this expect me to give them a set timeline. I think some of them are considering giving their spouse a deadline. Unfortunately, I can’t offer that timeline. Every person and situation is different. However, in the following article I will give you some tips and some things to keep in mind in this situation.
Even though there is no set time frame to let go of the matter, you want to see some progress. If it doesn’t, you want to explore why: Many faithful spouses cannot understand the need for closure from the spouse who cheated on them. After all, they decided to end the relationship and walk away, so why is it hard for them to do just that? I have never cheated on my spouse. But I can share some of the sentiments of those who have on my blog. Some people in this situation tell me it’s hard to be in a relationship one day and then expect your back the next day. Also, many of them are responding to their guilt and shame for their actions. They know they have let both people down. They know that you are angry and distrustful as a result of their actions. Therefore, it is not so easy to act as if everything is back to normal or that nothing has changed.
I’m not telling you this to make excuses. I am telling you this in hopes of shedding some light on this. However, even if your spouse has trouble adjusting to life after your affair, he or she should cut off all contact with the other person and focus on you and your own family. You may not see them return to the same right away, but the idea is that they do a little better each day as you both try to reconnect, rebuild, and heal.
If you’re not seeing this, you’ll want to have a very candid discussion to determine why. It’s normal for there to be an adjustment period, but you should also see things gradually improve.
On the other hand, if you are the cheating spouse and you don’t see much improvement in your spouse’s ability to let go of your infidelity, take a look at what you’ve done to help them heal. Because they need to believe without any doubt that you’re really sorry, that you won’t cheat again, and that your marriage can and will recover.
What if I don’t see any progress despite my best efforts? Do I give my spouse a deadline to leave the affair?: Sometimes when I tell spouses that they have cheated on me, they respond with something like “but that’s it. My wife doesn’t think we can get over this, even though I know we can. How can I make her see that it’s safe to leave?” this? And if he can’t do it, do I give him a deadline?
Or, if I’m talking to a faithful spouse, I’ll hear things like, “It’s like the other woman still has control over my husband even though the affair is over. I’m doing everything in my power to restore my marriage.” , but he doesn’t seem interested in me.”
I know these are two very separate issues, but usually the underlying problem is the same. In these situations, it is my opinion that there are still some issues that have not been addressed or resolved enough that they still do not arise. When I tell people this, they often insist that they’ve been through absolutely everything and are tired of repeating it all the time. I understand this. But if you do not solve all the problems once and for all, they will continue to arise, and “letting go” the matter becomes even more unlikely.
I know it can be painful and uncomfortable to revisit the past, but you need to make sure you’ve covered all the bases and are willing to “go there” with your spouse to show them that you’re willing to do whatever it takes. to help them move on.
It is true that there are some people who will eventually realize that they simply cannot let the affair or infidelity pass and this will end their marriage. But I also think that there are people who think that’s the way it is with them, when in reality they still haven’t gotten what they need. And, once they do, they can put this behind them. Because the truth is, no one likes to fight with themselves or their marriage after an affair. The vast majority of people really want to go ahead and let go, but they don’t always have the tools to do so.
That’s why I never think it’s a good idea to give your partner an ultimatum or a deadline. If YOU make the decision to move on without your spouse, then this is your prerogative (although I would recommend trying some of the advice in this article first). But I don’t think you can or should try to force them to make it yours.