I often hear from wives who are looking for a way to make their husband want them back. I often hear comments like, “My husband has moved away. I can’t let him go. How can I make him want me back?” Or “My husband has already filed for divorce. Is it too late for him to want me back?” Or “we’re not even talking right now. I’m starting to think there’s no way he’d want me back when we’re not even interacting with each other.”
The topic of these questions is usually quite similar. The wife usually knows that what she wants to do is going to be challenging, but her feelings toward her husband, her family, and her marriage compel her to do whatever it takes for him to want to save the marriage. Often these women are willing to try or do almost anything that is healthy and effective. The problem is that they often run out of ideas and feel like their time is running out.
In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and strategies that I’ve seen really work for women who are trying to win back their husbands’ desire.
Any strategy to get your husband to want you back should seem very genuine: I have to underline this first. Often, if she doesn’t play this out very carefully, her husband is well aware of what he’s trying to do, and as a result, he’ll make her job even more difficult, especially if he balks at the idea of coming back.
It is therefore extremely important that you assess your ability to convincingly “sell” or “carry out” whatever strategy you are attempting. It can be tempting to try to go full circle and act like you’re someone you’re not, but this will often backfire if you can’t make it seem very genuine and almost spontaneous.
Getting your husband to want you back often means changing perceptions he already has: Many women will assume that they need to “start over” or do something very drastic to get his attention or to get the desired response. But usually you have to realize that in order for him to change his mind and decide to want you back, he will also need to change his current perceptions.
Sometimes when I explain this, wives take it to mean they need to focus and then get over their problems right away. This is not what I mean at all. In fact, I don’t think you should dwell on the things that come between you. You will eventually need it, of course. But, when you’re already on very shaky ground, there’s no point in rocking the boat.
Usually what gets you the best results is if you can change the perceptions that are keeping him away from you right now. I have to tell you that many men tell me that the things that their wife assumes are not always true. Sometimes she is just as sad as you are because things are ending. But often he doesn’t think things can (or ever will) change. He often sees a difference between how things are today and how they were when they were both happy.
But, here’s the thing. Although many things on the outside may have changed, the core often remains the same. What I mean by this is that sure, you can have a lot of responsibilities and stress. You can have kids and jobs and a bad temper. You may be feeling pressure that you may have only imagined when you were dating. But, despite what you may think at this very moment, the two people who fell in love are the same people we are talking about now.
People often insist to me that either their spouse has “changed.” I usually don’t fully buy this, although I have no doubt that the situation has changed. And I never doubt that the priorities and distribution of time have changed. My point is that often if you change the situation and priorities, perceptions slowly start to change as do feelings.
Show your husband the woman he wanted in the beginning (and who he’ll want to get back with now 🙂 I will share with you something that really changed the way I looked at my situation when I was going through the same thing. I was seeing a therapist who asked me what attracted my husband to me. In other words, what was I like when we dated? I told him that my husband brought out the best in me. That when I was with him then, I wasn’t the uptight perfectionist I usually am.
I felt freer, lighter and just more fun. I even saw myself as amused and a bit happy at the time. My husband and I used to spend a lot of time laughing. I remember that after this description, the therapist said something to the effect of “so you are describing a person who is caring, vibrant, happy, and has a lot of energy?” I agreed with that assessment around the same time that she pulled out a mirror and showed me my reflection.
It was then that I realized how different everything had become. I was not presenting myself in the same way to my husband, and yet I hoped that his feelings for me (and for the marriage) would not change. This was obviously unrealistic. And this is what I want you to realize. Often, you will have the best chance of winning him back if you can show him the woman he first wanted and fell in love with. Because if you can do that in a very genuine and convincing way, then she’s the person who’s going to have the best chance of making him want her back.