I really feel like I’m going through a metamorphosis. I feel the buzz, the whirl, and the turmoil at the center of my body and my being. I find myself lost in my thoughts, sitting, crying and breathing everything. I was never a big whoop; I always swallowed tears. It made me feel stronger and in control and I thought it hurt more to cry for whatever reason. She had no idea how good it felt to let go and let the tears flow. I shed pounds of worry, guilt, fear, and anxiety with a good cry these days. (And I don’t feel any less strong or capable while touching up my makeup.)
This selfish journey I’m on has really been an emotional roller coaster. I feel more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my adult life. For the first time in a long time, I find myself really needing people. Instead of hating it or punishing myself for it, I’m warming up to these vulnerable parts of me. I deserve the kindness, sweetness, kindness and love of a truly generous heart. I knew this once, but apparently I had forgotten.
We all deserve those things, but sometimes we forget and settle for less and tell ourselves that we got what we deserved because we lied, cheated or betrayed someone at some point in our lives and these things happen to “bad” people. and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But, that is simply not true. Nobody’s happiness is above yours. No one deserves happiness more than you. Purpose, your happiness is not necessarily going to appear at the door of your house wrapped in a striking red bow. You have to be brave enough to truly participate in your life. Feel everything and be open to anything. – in other words, be vulnerable.
Sound appealing (and scary as hell)? Then maybe it’s time for your own selfish mission to find what makes you happy.
I never realized until now how exhausting it has been to hold back all these years. Now that I take emotional inventory, control myself, and listen to my body, I feel more engaged and available. I am more accepting. I have bad moments, but never a bad day. I’m more selective about the things I do and the people I spend time with, so I rarely have a bad time. I am living on a budget for the first time in years and I remember being resourceful and capable under pressure. But the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself is that I’m more compassionate. I find myself listening on a different level and offering comfort, encouragement, and solace to those around me. In turn, I feel more love, support, and acceptance than ever before. My relationships are strong. My roots run deep.
And I would never have gotten there without opening up and being vulnerable. It has been said that those who take the greatest risks enjoy the greatest rewards. We can never truly experience the fullness of freedom, joy, love, and belonging until we go ahead and put our hearts on our sleeves knowing that it can be hard. For me, it’s the ultimate risk, but knowing that the most beautiful moments of my life will come from there… well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take over and over and over again.
And you?