We’ve all been there once or twice, or many if that’s me, in our lives. We’ll be walking around, doing our shopping, and minding our own business when it happens. The “when it happens” would be the pain. The kind of abdominal pain that tells that soft, overstuffed thing between our ears that a very real and humiliating experience is coming up and all the pinching and squeezing on the cheeks while you pray you never do another bad thing in your life again. . if you could only spare yourself this last time, the prayer you pray will not stop or help your cause. You are about to fart. It will most likely be loud, obnoxious, and extremely embarrassing, unless of course it was done under intentional causes. Then it will be considered humor for you and an act of war for them. Butt (pun intended), if not performed under intentional acts and if you have enough farting experience under your belt and believe me when I say it all starts there, you will be able to pull off an SBD also known by professional farting as the Silent But Deadly. The kind that is completely inaudible to hearing ears but deadly to those who bear the burden of its stench.
Intestinal gas, also known as farting, has been around for as long as man has existed. Women have only started farting in the last two hundred years or so, they claim. Although the sickly sweet of innocence that violates our nostrils and strangles our airways tells us otherwise. Different personalities will determine the type of fart that will offend those around it and make the fart’s life more enjoyable to live. It is a very sad but very true fact that farting somehow enriches the life of the participant. Whether it’s the sudden deflation of a bloated belly or the simple fact that the not-so-fragrant home scent has just completed a universal violation of offense to another innocent and unexpected human being or human beings. For plural terms, it is assumed that you are in a crowded area, at a party, or hanging out in zoos. In any case, the one who participates in the fart – I like to refer to him as the “fart” – has made his day so much brighter and he will show this immediate sense of relief by flashing a big smile and loud sighs of audio while a A look of serenity covers her face. The “fartee”, or the person(s) being attacked, will immediately notice you and others through sudden disgusted looks, name calling, retching, or violent waves of vomiting followed by a sudden loss of consciousness. Not even the most trained emergency personnel will be able to revive them. May the afterlife be even more pleasant for them.
As stated above, the farter characteristic does, in fact, have some bearing on the type of gassy orchestra you will witness, smell, and hear. Brave criminals are the loudest and most offensive types. They usually sound like a freight train approaching you at excruciating speeds or a car with a bad or no muffler. They are also the ones who will perform the “Trapped Down Under”, also known as the “Dutch Oven” over loved ones lying peacefully next to them. For those who don’t know what those are, it’s someone trapping your head and a cloud of colonic steam under the blanket with no fresh air coming in or out. It’s sick, cruel, and 100% hilarious to those who cheat. I highly recommend having a box of hops, a camera, and a box of tranquilizer darts nearby when performing this feat for the following reasons.
- 1. Salt Snaps – These little babies will help your victim regain consciousness after passing out. Just place them under the victims nose and they should wake up. Be careful, their tongue may have swollen during the attack and may need to be dislodged from their throat to allow air to pass before attempting to bring them to normal alertness. Drowsiness and signs of brain damage may be present in the newly awakened, but there is no cause for alarm, as this is normal for Dutch oven victims.
- 2. Camera – Nothing more than an attack evidence capture device. Better if the camera is a video recorder. After applying the salt drops to the victim’s nasal senses, immediately start recording. The “what happened and why is my face burning” look will be a family favorite that can be seen on all occasions. With the main parties and weddings.
- 3. Tranquilizer darts – You’ll need them if the Dutch oven victim wakes up and starts foaming at the mouth, spitting out Latin, and turning their head in a full circle. This can only mean that you really pissed them off and they will be looking for a murder victim. The darts, if well placed in the victim’s body, should slow them down, if not put them into a safe sleep long enough to allow you enough time to flee and find cover. It would be best to seek the opinion of a professional animal control officer on what types of tranquilizers would be best for really angry Dutch oven victims. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Having to find out that she chose an adrenaline booster instead of a sleeping agent the hard way means she is facing death or permanent scarring.
The quietest and most timid will try to hide in a bathroom, closet or cover sound cracks with a quick cough or clearing their throats. You can usually see them in the middle of a field or body of water away from all life and sometimes covering their eyes because they have been taught that if they can’t see you then you can’t see them. My personal favorites are the quieter but a bit braver than the average shy entrant. These are the guys who will perform the quick cough, leg-switch maneuver in a dark, crowded theater where everyone is in on it because everyone gets blamed for the intrusive butt-bombing. In this scenario, no one is safe and if you’re the one farting the most, it’s always better to stay focused on the screen, eat your popcorn and pretend it doesn’t exist. Looking around, you will draw unnecessary attention to yourself; possibly revealing that you are responsible for the vile carnivorous odor of bodily decomposition and ending your pleasant evening at the cinema. Exits to the right or left of the screen work wonders when trying to escape a crowd of victimized moviegoers.
Naughty guys who love an excellent sick prank will always try to target those closest to them. For example, a neighbor coworker who leaves the sanctuary of his cubicle may find himself in a noxious cloud of intestinal spray upon returning to see the entire episode caught on camera. Nothing better to cheer you up than an ionized intestinal spray, laughs, and being the star of “Please No Autographs, I’m Just Doing My Part To Bring Joy To The World” in a fart-in-the-office sequel. They, being the sick pranksters that they are, will also try to trick you into becoming a victim of a singing sphincter. Have you ever heard of the old “Pull My Finger” trick? I bet you have. I know I have. I personally have been a victim of it. Something I’m not proud of and which ended up having a permanent negative psychological effect on me. I can no longer listen to the sounds of balloons popping without curling up, crying uncontrollably, and sucking my thumb. I don’t like to talk about it for obvious reasons. To remain fair and honest, I myself took that same knowledge that was forced upon me and passed it on to those I shortlisted to be my willing victims. Something I like to talk about because it makes me laugh and brings me sick pride and joy. My way of thinking was this: it was done to me so that I could do it to others. For this, two wrongs make one right and I’d rather be on the pulling finger end than the pulling finger end. Do you understand my drift? I know you do because you’re thinking the same way. If not, then you seriously need to reevaluate your position in life.
My advice to you would be this. If you find, see or believe that someone is engaging in any of the acts listed above, please make your safety and life your first priority and take the nearest emergency exit. Don’t use the elevators! You just risk bumping into the offender or a friend of a friend of an offender and getting caught in a “get me out of here, I’m passing out” vape box. If you take the elevators, you are taking your life into your own hands and no insurance company will pay the death benefit to those left behind due to “death by intestinal gas, natural or unnatural, holy or unholy, friendly or enemy fire.” “. forcible will nullify the death benefit if such acts could have been prevented with direct knowledge. exclusion. You do not believe me? Read the fine print. I would explain this, but I am not a lawyer, please see your agent or lawyer for legal advice.