You fall in love with a man who has children. You fall in love with a woman who has children. These children are young, so you are thrown into the flow of those children’s daily lives. Quite possibly against the will of the other birth parent, themselves AND maybe even yours. Custody can put pressure on the children, the birth parents, and the remarriage involved.
This is not always a fairy tale as it seems. Those children have been raised by different people. with different standards. They may have a completely different moral upbringing than you or your own children who also come into the picture.
How do you think you will be a stepfather:
It’s easy to say “They’re just kids, they’re coming” or to say “I’ll leave the parenting to the birth parents and be the kid’s friend” or “I’m going to be the cool parent in their lives.” but those sayings do not solve all cases. Custody can influence whichever family shows the greatest interest in the children.
Custody does not depend on who ‘loves’ them more. When brought in with custody issues, stay-at-home stepmothers and stepfathers must have some authority to discipline when the biological father is at the store, work, or school. They need authority in the home in order to command respect and not get walked on or fall into the hands of either birth parent during custody disputes.
It’s always easy to judge from an outside perspective and think you really wouldn’t have THAT much hands-on time. Especially when both you and your spouse work. But consider marrying someone who has a small child. They decide to run to the store, are you going to stop potty training or refuse to change a diaper or not feed them until the parent returns? Are you going to politely ask the child to listen and not draw on the walls because it is not your place to discipline when they are caught doing something wrong and let them continue? Are you going to let your stepchildren’s sibling fights get completely out of hand because you don’t have the authority to make them listen to you?
For the sake of your stepsons, I hope not. In some cases, adoptive parenting can be wonderful. Both birth parents may be mature enough to understand that love will be found after their separation and that embracing more people who love their children is best for their children.
How biological parents behave:
In other cases, there is not always maturity. There is bitterness, anger, resentment, or even outright hatred. Separate the children and pit them against one or the other parent. There could be a parent pushing and forcing their children to say or speak bad things to get custody. And when a stepdad enrolls in that kind of situation, the biggest target becomes that stepdad’s back.
In my experience, Step Parenting started out pretty easy. The children were quick to accept me and loved my entire extended family. Once her birth mother realized that she was here to stay, things took a sharp turn for the worse. Custody became an issue as things had deteriorated for the children after I arrived. And with that, adoptive parenthood became a battleground in my own home to demand respect, ask my husband to back up my game, and reassure the kids that I wasn’t there to replace anyone.
Pick up and drop off became a panic. How will the children behave today? Are they clean and excited for the week we’ve planned, or have they been forced to think that their time with us is just being mean to their mom? Is our birthday party as good as hers? Will they complain about every meal I cook vs. his mother? Will the children be excited this holiday or will they cry again because of how sad their mom is because they are with us? Will they bring up the custody hearing and say what their mother has told them this week? How many weeks will this continue? For me, it goes in 3 years.
There are resources for blended families and custody such as therapy and family counseling that can help. But if there isn’t a particular team in your particular home, no amount of therapy can withstand the pangs of finding yourself in the middle of a situation you weren’t even a part of to begin with. Finger-pointing, misbehavior, and resentment will rise up in children so quickly in some of their most formative years, that it can take God’s hand and His wisdom to undo the work of embittered men and women in their lives.
I’m not saying it can’t happen, but the road to perfection when embarking on such a bumpy road seems excruciating. It may seem like there is no end in sight. It may be better to withdraw for your sake. But is not. You are the only parent, you and your spouse, who are willing to fight for what is best for them, so you must understand that there is a purpose.
We may not understand the journey. Or why the road is so rocky right now, or why it’s even necessary to challenge custody, but children thrive on consistency. Be there and be a light in their lives. They will come to see it. You have to wait for you to be around to see them see it. If not, have faith that God has matched you to the person you are meant to be with. Only the two of you can face the forces of the world together. Only the two of you can go through this literate history together. Dig through the dirt road and start building paving stones that will guide a better path than ever was.
In the end, marrying someone is not something to be taken lightly, regardless of how society is pushing marriage to look like. And when there are children involved, time and understanding is the only thing that will help you persevere. Especially when custody through the court is going to be at stake. Sometimes it feels like we are wandering through the woods with no humanity in sight, but there is always humanity outside the woods and there is always light at the end of the tunnel.