When you receive the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is often anger and the desire to leave: fight or flight. But, after calming down, he realizes that he will lose a lot and may have children to consider. Don’t make an instant decision that you may regret later, once the damage is done. It is possible to find extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report that potential partners are no better than the ones they left.
While I don’t think you should stick around and suffer if nothing works, in my practice I see many couples who get the job done and end up happier than before. The affair may have occurred after longstanding problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both spouses. Dissatisfaction often stems from resentment, and the root causes can be addressed with the help of counseling. If both of you are willing to change what isn’t working, your marriage can improve and become a satisfying life of joyful partnership.
I also see a good number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over little resentments. Unfortunately, they are now much poorer due to the costs of divorce, property division, etc. Here are some reasons to stay or go:
Top 5 reasons to stay:
• Your spouse genuinely recognizes that you have a problem and is willing to get help to fix it and is responsible for rebuilding trust.
• The two of you will go to therapy and understand why the affair happened and how to fix the problems.
• You’re getting your own sex life back on track, if it was out of the ordinary.
• They have a long shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make the marriage worth keeping together.
• They still love each other, and it’s clearly mutual.
Top 5 reasons to go:
• Your spouse denies you, makes excuses, and blames you. This means that he or she is involved in the cheating behavior and is not ready to change.
• You’ve had it, you don’t feel connected anymore and you’re not willing to work on it. Make sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
• You are prepared to be alone.
• Either you don’t have children, they are adults, or you are sure that a divorce will be better for them than what is happening.
• Your spouse refuses to give up on the other relationship, or on infidelity in general.
Working through these issues together will repair and improve your relationship, or teach you the skills and attitudes you need to know to make any relationship a great one.