We’ve all seen the lists of top resolutions: promises to lose weight, save money, exercise more. But what about your sex life? Sexual desire and pleasure do not improve on their own. You need to put in the time and effort to have a great sex life, just as you might put in the time and effort to have a great party or plan a weekend getaway.
With that in mind, and after a decade of partner watching at my sex therapy practice in Newport Beach, here are my top 10 tips for a better sex life:
1. Schedule sex. I realize it doesn’t sound romantic, but consider that if you plan to see a concert with your partner, the event is no less exciting. If you have trouble adapting sex to your life, put it on the calendar.
2. Flirt. This is a way to build anticipation so that when you have sex on the scheduled day and time, it comes from a place of connection and fun. Say bad things, leave a sweet and sexy note on the breakfast plate, or compliment your partner’s best traits or qualities to keep the pilot lit.
3. Kiss. This seems to be a lost art. Many people have the right to have sex early in relationships. Why not have a make-out session that leads to a long, satisfying hug and a good night’s sleep? You’ll leave your partner wanting more, and that can be a good thing!
4. Mix it up. It always amazes me how many people actually have sex in the same way, in the same place, every time. Decide to have sex in another room in the house, try a new position, or change the usual order in which you do things. You don’t have to go crazy, just don’t make your sex life a perpetual repeat.
5. Communicate. If there’s something about your sex life that hasn’t worked for you, say so. If your partner tells you something about their sex life, listen. Believe your partner if he says he is bored. If you’re the one who’s bored, say something. You can’t expect things to get better on their own. Also, no one can read your mind!
6. Understand your own body. It’s okay to explore your own body so you can tell your partner what you like best. It’s okay to indulge yourself so you know how your body works.
7. Use lubricant. Too many people use the amount of lubrication a woman has as an indicator that they find their partner attractive. That does not work. Why? Because all kinds of things, from hormonal change to stress and medications, can make lubrication questionable. So take that tube or bottle and use it to make sex more comfortable.
8. Rest. Do you find yourself saying, “I’m too tired for sex!” Then rest a bit. Your body cannot renew its energy without a minimum of 6 hours of solid sleep each night, and 7-8 hours of sleep is better.
9. Eat properly. See number 8, above. A junk food diet will weaken your health. Choose to eat fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, and lean protein whenever possible and watch your sexual energy recover.
10. Exercise. Research shows this to be true: people who are fit have fewer problems with sex. Currently, the suggestion is to walk a minimum of 30 minutes a day. You don’t have to be a Greek god or goddess, you just have to have energy and stamina to stay sexually healthy.
Go through the list and pick one or two things to work on that you think will bring the biggest change. Select a target date, say a month or two, to sign up and see how you do. If you are doing fine but think you need more enhancements to improve sex, go ahead with what you are doing and do more, or add another suggestion. Find the combination of things that will make sex better for you in the new year!