The silent misery of sexual desire disorder

You see them all around you: couples who seem happy enough, perhaps enjoying dinner at a popular restaurant, biking down a tree-lined path, or sharing popcorn like a movie. But they have a secret they don’t tell: they discuss sex all the time.

One of the most important reasons couples argue about sex is one partner’s low sexual desire and the other partner’s high sexual desire. This is a problem that has nothing to do with gender. Women can have a high desire and men can have a low desire. the problem is really mismatched wishand it can cause a lot of grievances in a marriage or long-term relationship.

The research tells us some interesting things about couples with different levels of sexual desire. For example, women with lower desire often have less relationship satisfaction than women with higher desire, but this is not true for men. Also, when there is a mismatched desire, women are less happy with the relationship but men are less happy with the sex.

Mismatched desire can be very exhausting for a couple. The lower desire partner often feels inadequate because they cannot meet their partner’s needs, while the higher desire partner may feel rejected and unwanted when denied sex.

Differences in sexual desire can occur for all sorts of reasons:

  • Hormones that are unbalanced or just different for each member of the couple
  • Medical problems such as fibromyalgia, diabetes, or heart conditions
  • Other sexual problems, such as the inability to have an orgasm in women or erectile dysfunction in men
  • Scheduling conflicts
  • Different ideas about sex and its purpose in a relationship.
  • Relationship factors such as unexplained conflict, disappointment, or boredom

Some difference in sexual desire is to be expected; it’s rare for a couple to have exactly the same level of desire all the time. But when the discrepancy is extreme, it can be difficult for couples to resolve the issue on their own.

Couples sometimes make the decision to schedule sex on a regular basis. This can work because both partners know what to expect. It cuts out arguments about sex and helps the couple feel normal.

Sometimes couples can also agree to have sex a certain number of times a month. While some people may find it annoying to tally up, others have a little fun seeing if they can meet their monthly quota.

Making sex more interesting for the lower-desire partner can also work. Oftentimes, the least desirable partner doesn’t expect to have sex for a reason: they haven’t identified what they like or enjoy in bed. Reading or watching erotica can help the less desirable partner figure out what might be fun to try. What feels good can be repeated.

The most desirable partner may also have to work on accepting that the person they love will never have the same drive as they do. They may need to focus on all the other benefits of their relationship, from having a great travel companion to a wonderful co-parent to the kids. They may also find that they can be satisfied with less sex if their partner is affectionate, compliments them, or does thoughtful things for them.

Disorders of sexual desire are hard, but couples don’t have to suffer in silence. When simple remedies don’t work, couples can benefit from meeting with a competent sex and relationship therapist to resolve the problem that works for both of them.

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