If my best friend and I had a dollar for every time a guy pulled out his penis on the first date for no rhyme or reason, we would have What six dollars. They are too many dollars. Guys — because let’s face it, you can’t call yourself men — let me be very clear. THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Just because you muster the courage to give me a big wet one, right? not It means that your newfound confidence boost is somehow a justification for your inexcusable lack of self-control. A sweet goodnight kiss from me doesn’t mean that unzipping your pants is the logical next step. Why? Are you a sexual predator, frantically exposing yourself to young children in the park? Are you so desperate for someone other than you to take a look? No, I really don’t want to touch it. I really don’t and frankly I will never want to touch it, because Alan — this will be our last meeting. You desperately needed a ride to your car that was parked “so far” from the restaurant, but as soon as you got out of my vehicle, Will will block your number and add it to “the list”. Please whose Enjoy the rest of your evening, which by the way, was going perfectly well until you decided to expose yourself, both literally and figuratively.
2. Two-month marker
“You are too dominant for me.”
That’s what he told me as he took another sip of my white wine. I’m ashamed to admit this more than anything, but those words — oh, those words would never leave me.
Who the hell was he to tell me I’m “too dominant”? We haven’t been dating for more than a couple of months. He was the lunatic who criticized me for a card game.
As if my Plenty of Fish were telling the very essence of my inner self, the only thing my dating profile showed outlined were my D cups and my very sad attempt to appear nonchalant. (As if I didn’t have general anxiety). So what did you hope my profile would attract? DOMINANT. I said the word over and over in my head. How? When? I needed specific examples because I couldn’t think of just one. More importantly, why did it bother me so much? I couldn’t let go.
He could have said anything, but why that word? Twenty-something guys have called me a lot of things: crazy, too loud, but that seems to roll down my back. Calling a girl crazy is like calling a boy scum. It is not a secret or an insult, it is an obvious fact. As girls in their twenties, we don’t just expect the “crazy” label, we welcome it! For us, “crazy” is just a code for “indecisive but intuitive woman”. She knows everything, but has no idea what she wants to do with this wealth of information. Oppressive? Sometimes our emotions tend to get a little out of balance. I totally agree with this and take full responsibility, however, what I do not agree is that they call me “too dominant”. Now before I sound like your typical millennial, let me clarify: actually, I’m not saying, “I know everything,” but at this very particular moment, my “quarter-life crisis.” I’ve noticed something. An epiphany, so to speak: guys in their twenties claim to want a strong-minded, smart woman, but that’s a complete lie.
So, as Beyonce says in Lemonade, “I’m too much for you”.
3. Ex-boyfriends versus starting over?
Well, ladies, we know that we are all guilty. Raise your hand (if you’re reading this while you’re alone and not on the subway) if you’ve ever gotten back with an ex after a recently failed relationship. Many hands, I guess! Let’s face it, getting back with an ex for convenience is a lot easier than updating your profile picture on Plenty of Crap — I mean Fish — or Match or Tinder, and sifting through dozens of new messages. I must warn those of you who have found ways around the harsh reality and true dating parodies that it has become, it is worse than you think. Now I know I can sound a bit cynical here and that’s okay, maybe sometimes I am, but not without a fair reason! Anyway, let’s get back to the topic at hand. To all new friends, foes, and future lovers, please, if you identify as male, I beg of you, STOP USING SELFIE STICKS. I am embarrassed and dare to say that I am bothered by the number of grown men who use Selfie Sticks. (I’m also upset that I had to add the word Selfie to my word dictionary.) I’d like to think of myself as kind and broad-minded, but how can I not judge when there are six-foot-twenty-eight-year-old guys holding giant sticks in the air with their $ 600 iPhones plugged in? them at a Drake concert? I offer a ban on Selfie Sticks across the country. Who’s with me ?! But I digress. Now, of course, there are always exceptions. A Selfie Stick, in which you yourself are not holding, but simply acting as an innocent bystander — I mean victim — of this horrendous display of what our society has become, looks beyond. Then we can move on to reading his sad attempt at an “About Me” description.
My Favorites: Those who claim that they will not answer questions from us women if we are big, fat, fat or, my personal favorite, that we don’t like to exercise. Help. Fun fact, most girls don’t LIKE going to the gym. We go because we have to — and even if we enjoy it sometimes (I love my Zumba and Hot Yoga) it doesn’t mean we want it to be a main topic of our discussions. So after reading the “About Me” sections full of misspellings, grotesque phrases like “hanging out with friends” and “traveling”, what else do we have to wait for you to ask? Oh wait! I almost forget it. This really should have been the first thing I mentioned, but somehow I forgot. Drum roll, please … screen names. Screen names for guys in their twenties are hilarious. I must give credit to whom the credit corresponds: Mischief420, PappiChulo0, Getatchaboi, Imthe14u and finally the treasured BBC69. These are obviously variations of actual screen names to protect the identities of my clever suitors. In addition to their thoughtful first impressions, guys in their twenties also enjoy posting shirtless selfies, another terrible epidemic in the online dating arena. Do I need to go further here?
So how the heck can anyone blame a girl for choosing the alternative: texting an ex who you’ve already had sex with and you know will be more than happy to hear from you? A simple “Hey stranger” is usually enough. Both guys in their twenties and girls in their twenties are guilty of this. Why? Hello, who wants to examine the creatures in Plenty of Fish? I do not. For the most part, our options are limited, if I haven’t mentioned this before, people our age are often unable to look up from their smartphones to notice a pretty girl walking down the street or an attractive guy who is looking at you. looking. Don’t get me wrong, after hundreds of deleted and unopened messages, there are one or two gems, seriously, ONE or TWO, that will blow your mind. So after revealing this harsh reality, I just want to say, “ladies, don’t be so harsh on yourself.”